Bringing Peace "To the Stormy Present": Components of Initiating Confrontation

Every leader will be called upon to lead difficult conversations. Be they reprimands, grim reminders, dismissals, or some hybrid of emotionally demanding topics, every leader should be prepared for confrontation.

In fact, the ability to navigate sensitive conversations is one trait that distinguishes a true leader from a "boss." In the workplace, unaddressed issues are a kind of "stormy present" in need of peaceful solutions. Leaders need to make that peace.

That does not mean that confrontations will ever be enjoyable.

I am incurably apprehensive the night before a big conversation. I go over the outline of thoughts in my mind. I imagine possible curveballs in the meeting. I want to be so many things in the approaching moment that I can sometimes lose track of them: assertive? approachable? understanding? bold? conversational? scripted?

Many years of having these conversations has not freed me from apprehension. However, I have arrived at a list of components that make for meaningful confrontation rather than just speaking my mind. Keeping these components of confrontation in mind will help to avoid undue stress.

Here's what I pray to be in each of these meetings, with varying degrees of success:

1) Be compassionate.

Even in the most difficult of circumstances, you are sitting across from a person. He has feelings. She has a family. He has unmentioned stresses. She has responsibilities that I do not understand. Begin the meeting with warmth and blessing. Shake hands. Smile. Offer them water. Care for them as your guest for the next few moments.

Never is there a circumstance more in need of the Golden Rule than in a confrontation. Confront as you would want to be confronted.

2) Be clear.

Beforehand, if there is time, write out the thesis statement for the meeting. "I am meeting with ________ to require them to show up to work on time." Some version of that phrase should be spoken within the first 2 minutes of the meeting. After initial pleasantries, say something like:

"Well, thank you for taking the time to come in today. This may not be an easy conversation, but I want you to know that I'm here to help you grow in your position as ____________. The reason I would like to speak with you is to ask that you begin arriving to work on time."

Do not say “it seems” when you mean “it is.” "It seems that you have been showing up late to work" is less clear than "I have noticed you arriving to work late." Clarity sets the stage for resolution. Ambiguity wastes everyone's time and creates mistrust.

3) Be constructive.

After identifying the problem clearly and concisely, move quickly to constructive solutions. "Is there a reason you are having difficulty arriving on time?" "Can we get a plan together that will result in punctuality?"

4) Be concise.

In my early days in leadership, I would draw out a meeting's inroduction to an excruciating degree. If you are the leader, they know they are not there to chew the fat. You have summoned them (That's how it feels to them), now get to the point and don't belabor the issue.

4) Be careful.

Do not over-share or over-relate ("Heck, I'm late to things all the time!")

Do not emote with them.

Do not match their energy.

Do not say things like "no big deal" or "I'm sorry I had to do this."

Do not say things you do not mean.

5) Be courageous.

A la John Mayer: "Say what you need to say" and "Say it with a heart wide open."

Again, these conversations are never easy. But with these components in mind you can attempt to bring peace "as far as it depends on you" -- (Romans 12:18).

Next post: How to handle being confronted. Preview: 1) Listen, 2) Ask questions 3) Don't own more than you need to 4) Thank them (when it's well deserved).